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Home arrow Writings arrow These late breaking stories just in!!

Lack of rain in Southeast affects crops, Paris Hilton.

Less rain means fewer peaches from Georgia and it is very possible Paris Hilton will have to pay more for peach jam this coming fall. Not that Paris Hilton needs to shop for food or even has to spread jam all by herself on the toast, but we will follow this story closely as it develops.

Hurricane Season Expected "To be highly active"

A couple of weather experts and storm watchers predict that the 2007 hurricane season will be "really interesting" with lots of destroyed homes, downed trees and footage of the ever popular "boat-tossed-by-storm-onto-the-highway." There will be a couple of deaths, a story of a dog or cat which miraculously survived and several stories of people too stupid to know any better hoping to "rebuild their community even stronger than before."

So it will be pretty much like an evening with Paris Hilton.

Scientists Warn of Human Race Extinction

A total collapse of the biosphere would not only end life as we know it, but billions of people would be denied the delight of seeing Paris Hilton in various states of undress, drunkenness and glamour. The extinction of the human race would most likely be detrimental to Paris Hilton's acting career and ruin her hair.

In an effort to forestall this disaster, a huge neon tube likeness of Paris Hilton is being constructed outside of Las Vegas, Nevada. "If life ever evolves back to a point of intelligence, they must know of the wonders of Paris Hilton," said tube bender Wallace Waffleblock. The state of Nevada is levying a special tax to pay for the project, and they are also expecting millions in federal money. Paris Hilton, the ideal American, was unaware of this honor as she was too busy being her wonderful self elsewhere on her planet.

Newspaper circulation, network news credibility, worthiness of internet continue downward spiral despite coverage of Paris Hilton.

Media experts are perplexed and puzzled, baffled and miffed about the decline in readership, viewership and interest in their products. "This apathy is just depressing," said some guy from MSN, the internet news provider. "We ran over four articles a day about Paris Hilton's arrest, release, and return to jail, her time there and her later legal release and no one seemed to care. You'd think there was a war on or something."

Newspaper circulation has been declining for years, despite the use of color photographs, simpler language and pro-Republican editorials thinly disguised as news. "We've increased the coverage of Hollywood. We've added more sports pages, made the weather maps huge and colorful and put TV personality columnists on every other page. What do people want?" moaned a highly overpaid staffer of the Chicago Sun-Times. "News?"

Are the twenty year olds of today just disconnected from their world? Given the number of them wandering around with Ipods, cellphones, hand-held games and other electronic paraphernalia, one would expect them to be more in tune with the world than any other generation, but instead they are behaving exactly like self-absorbed twenty year olds.

Seeing how the market is driven by young people with nothing better to do than spend money, one would assume they would be eager to read all about someone just like them, but with gobs more money. "England has the royals," said yet another unnamed publicist who works as a journalist, "and we have the various spoiled rotten sons and daughters of American success. This is a no-brainer. People should be lapping this crap up."

And many people are. Still, it's hard to imagine a less news worthy subject than Paris Hilton and other wealthy skanks in a country teetering on the edge of bankruptcy, lead by an openly corrupt White House engaged in an illegal war that threatens world peace. But no one wants to read about that either.


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